Ananias…
This is probably the most famous conversion story of all time! At first glance it seems so unreal and surreal and like Moses’ burning bush sometimes we wonder why God doesn’t still talk to us with such clarity and direction. But, I imagine it was a terrifying time in the life of Paul and quite a human experience.
It is roughly 140 miles between Damascus and Jerusalem. That’s about the distance from right here to Wisconsin Dells. That’s around a 2 hour drive and according to Google, it’s about a 54 hour walk. You can do a lot of thinking in that amount of time. And, if you’ve ever taken a long trip without a cell phone, I-Pod, or even radio you know there isn’t a whole lot else to do.
You ever wonder what Saul was thinking on that walk? I wonder if he wasn’t a little like me. Sometimes in long car trips I imagine I am being interviewed by Terri Gross on Fresh Air because I’m so nerdy that my fantastic aspirations are to be on an NPR program… She asks me questions about my life story, things that have happened, things that are yet to come. And I explain to her the decisions I’ve made and flesh out for her my philosophy of life. I confessed this to my sister once. She laughed. She said David Letterman is always interviewing her. My sister’s more brutal to herself than I choose to Be. It also shows how old we are now. But, what was Saul thinking about?
The scripture tells us that he was angry. These so-called Christian-Jews were really getting to him. Perhaps it was a bit of ego. Who did they think they were? Saul was both a Roman citizen and a Jew; extremely educated by both standards. It seems that this new group following a dead Messiah was attacking both of these identities. Perhaps Saul’s religious faith lacked a spiritual center. I am not suggesting that Saul wasn’t deeply convicted in his faith, but perhaps he had questions that he suppressed in himself; things he had buried in order to belong to and participate in his culture and tradition. Maybe this was his problem with these people, these Christians: Maybe what they were saying wasn’t only threatening his religious and political thoughts; maybe they threatened the very basis of his self-affirmation and the essence of his being. In Saul’s mind, they had to be silenced. And thus Saul was caught up in the misguided conviction that what he was doing was right; not only in the eyes of his culture and his God, but also in the depths of his very being. He had to prove that he was right.
Saul might have been thinking about Stephen. The questions the Terri Gross of his mind may have been asking him during this journey may have been about Stephen who Saul witnessed and approved of being stoned to death before Saul headed for Damascus. Why was Stephen so convicted? Why did he believe so strongly in this man Jesus? Did this new interpretation of Hebrew Scripture have any validity? Why would he endure so much for his faith? Perhaps the questions that Saul suppressed in himself began to bubble out of him. This trip to Damascus was a final desperate attempt to bury them once again. Saul needed to silence these Christians to protect himself.
And maybe as Saul approached the mountainous region on the road that overlooks Damascus a new question came to mind. As he stood there looking down on Damascus perhaps the question Saul asked himself was this: Had anything he done in his life made anybody else’s life any better? Was he making a positive difference? And then *SNAP* that is when it happened. Within an instant Saul’s life changed. I would like to put forth the idea that this was Realization rather than Revelation and that this by no means was a pleasant experience for Saul; that it was most terrifying, absolutely heartbreaking and completely devastating.
Maybe in a moment of clarity on his journey, Saul began to realize that his convictions were misguided. Perhaps, he began realizing that the foundations of his faith were not solid; that there was no spiritual center; not one that would hold up against the persecution that Stephen had endured nor the persecution Saul intended to inflict on the community in Damascus. Perhaps the blinding light and the voice of Christ were Saul’s first time seeing the world outside of himself; his heart breaking with shame and guilt. Perhaps that is what the blindness truly was: the depression and despair of convictions misplaced and faith misrepresented. The sufferings of this world became remarkably clear to Saul and it broke his heart. And it is precisely this heartbreak, my friends, that is a very human experience.
Today as we sit here, there can be several reasons for our hearts to be broken. I don’t need to list them off to you. It’s a difficult time right now for many people and for many reasons. And so, when we step back and look down on our own Damascus, sometime’s hard not to go blind with grief. Sometimes it’s hard not to be overwhelmed with a sense of heartache. And sometimes like with Saul, it brings us to our knees wondering if there isn’t something we could have done or could do better or differently. It is no wonder that we can suffer in our moments of clarity.
Sometimes, I think like Saul here in the scripture, it’s simply what we have done with our lives; the grief and shame of not living up to our own expectations. We mourn the loss of time we wasted and wonder where it all went. We look at decisions and choices we have made and, in a moment of clarity, see the harm we contributed to and caused. We struggle to find some divine guidance that seems now so distant and out of sight as the ghosts of our past seem to be catching up with us. Yet all is not lost. There can be an ocean sunset of serenity on the Horizon. With our broken hearts we call to God. The Psalter declares in Psalm 51 “The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” And sometimes like with Saul, at the time it seems that God simply tells us to press on toward our Damascus; that an answer will come.
And though the road to Damascus was where God broke Saul’s heart; that is not where God left him. Saul went into Damascus where he was told to wait. And it is here where the true miracle begins. God came to a man, a Christian, named Ananias and told him to go to Saul. Ananias was aware of the dangers. He was aware of the reputation of Saul. Yet, he went. He went in the name of Christ and gave affirmation to Saul. And the scales from Saul’s eyes fell and he saw. He arose and was baptized. He was born anew; dead in one life to grow into another. Saul stood up and began to preach the Word of Jesus Christ. But in order to do that, Saul needed Ananias.
Ananias… God only called him once… This lends some insight to his character. Throughout the Bible God calls people twice as though they weren’t listening. Even to Moses, God calls twice. “Moses… MOSES!” Yet, Ananias seems to be listening for the voice of the LORD in all that he does. God only calls him once. And Ananias knew who Saul was if by nothing other than reputation. He isn’t afraid to question God on this decision. Ananias is so comfortable talking with God, it’s as though he does it on a regular basis. He isn’t completely shattered like Paul is with his encounter with the divine. It seems like a natural occurrence to him. Ananias was perceptive and though he knew from what had been revealed to him that Saul was going to suffer even more, Ananias saw that Saul already was suffering. Saul needed affirmation that what was happening to him was real, that it was valid and from the Lord. And I think this speaks to us. Once we decide to live for God and live for Christ, it doesn’t mean the end of our sufferings. Sometimes, it can even mean more. God doesn’t protect us from the sufferings, harms and ills that we are so familiar with in this life. Yet, God offers to us an Ananias. He offers support and affirmation throughout our lives.
God sends Ananias to be God’s agent and to affirm Saul in his brokenness. Ananias comes to Saul seemingly at the end of his journey; Saul is in Damascus. Yet, as we know and Saul will soon discover it isn’t the end. The importance is not placed on what has happened. It is what is happening now and here. It is what is going to happen. We see in our journeys that it isn’t IN our Damascus where we find our end. It isn’t in our brokenness where God leaves us. But it is in these moments, if we listen carefully, that we are born to new life. It can be, for all intents and purposes, just the beginning of our journey. God comes, God Comforts, and God Affirms. And he does it through the faithful. He does it through people like us.
As I finish here today, I would like to give the Terri Gross or whoever it is of your imagination some questions for your journeys to Damascus. Who has been Ananias to you in your sufferings? And more importantly, whose Ananias will you be?